CONGRATULATIONS! Due to your outstanding efforts ignoring your own dietary precautions, we are happy to inform you that you now qualify for the following services provided by Sucrose, Lactose & Glucose (SLG): achy joints, extreme fatigue, inflammation of sinus cavities, increased fluid production, and headache. Because you have been such a valued client lately, your services are effective immediately. We hope you are enjoying your inability to leave your darkened bedroom as well as the entire third and fourth seasons of The Office that were provided as your complimentary gifts. To continue your services, you don’t need to do a thing! Cupcakes, processed wheat products, bottled sweetened tea, and minimal fruits and vegetables may continue to be yours as part of the SLG family. Over time, you can expect increased pain, weight gain, and physical issues which require medical attention to be added to your service package. Our most loyal clients enjoy sinus infections, yeast infections, diabetes, obesity, heart disease, and a weakened immune system, just to name a few of the perks you can achieve as a life-long member of SLG!
Additionally, as a dedicated member of SLG, you automatically assume client status with our partner company, Big Pharma, who have been providing support services to our clients since 1890! Big Pharma dispenses shadily-researched products with a litany of side-effects to millions of customers annually! You won’t want to miss out on this profitable sector of business by becoming a part of their client database!
In the event that you do not wish to continue the numerous benefits that our clients receive, you must call today. Changes to your services may be made only with a member of our Cerebellum Support Center who are available between 7 am and 5 pm EST. Consult yourself for further details.
We want to thank you again for joining the forces of SLG (playfully referred to as “SLuG”)! We can’t wait to hold you fast to lifelong commitment to poor health!
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