Last week I opened up about my PMDD struggles, and two things happened:
1. I got some positive feedback from readers (mostly family and friends!) saying they had been experiencing the same type of mood swings and hadn’t heard anyone talk about it before.
They are reaching out to their doctors and midwives for help. So, for that, I am so happy I shared my experience. Mental health is still viewed with a bulk of insensitivity, and I’m glad I could provide a glimpse into how “normal” it can be.
2. I realized my struggles are ongoing. I might even have to up my meds.
I’ll have a follow-up appointment with my doc soon and I’m already contemplating what I’ll discuss:
-I am still feeling quite edgy before and after my period. I’m still yelling and the yelling still feels good. I am able to recognize that it’s happening, though, so perhaps I just need more time with the medicine?
-Is a certain level of PMS anger normal? Is a certain level of post-menstrual anger normal?
-Do I need to have more bloodwork done? Should we check certain hormone levels that weren’t checked before?
-Should we increase my dosage of medicine? Should I try some kind of supplement before we do that? Will increasing the dosage turn me into a zombie? Will I zone out? At what point do I sacrifice the NOW for less anger in the future? (Okay, so maybe that last question is more hypothetical.)
Meanwhile, I continue my yoga practice.
Whenever a person finds something she values in this life, she generally seeks more knowledge or information, or wishes to find a community to discuss this newfound interest. Unsurprisingly, I’ve started following a number of yoga professionals/writers/websites/zen-givers online. The hard part, though, is seeing “affirmations” like these in my social media feeds:
“Happiness is a choice.” (Is it? ‘Cause I don’t remember choosing to be mad or sad, uncontrollably, and without end until my cycle starts again.)
“All things through love.” (Yeah, but what if you’re TRYING to do things through love and you LITERALLY CANNOT STOP BEING ANGRY?”)
“Today I Choose to Be Calm.” (I did, too, but then I went on a rampage and threw my kid’s toys into the garage center-fielder-style HOPING they would break…)
There isn’t a whole lot of room for the discussion of antidepressants & yoga in the natural health community. There is the idea that all things can be cured through the right combination of ancient practices and mindfulness.
Part of me believes that reaching transcendence will occur only when I’m hopped up on 50mg of Lexapro, nursing a bottle of Shiraz with a blunt in my hand in Savasana.
(Part of me also believes there is a yogi out there reading this and gasping at the sacrilege.)
While I say this tongue-in-cheek, the thoughts are real, and that level of balance often seems ridiculously unattainable.